23 POUNDS LIGHTER:

This past year (2009) has been one extreme year.  Family transgressions, losing someone you love to break up and learning how to stand on my own two feet.  About 6 months ago I began a journey to better myself and achieve self-confidence and self-awareness.  I lost who I was,  do to influences in my personal life and now I am learning to regain control.  I wrote down 20 things I wanted to accomplish and started to work down the numbers.  It has taken quite some time for me to achieve where I am now but I am happy all the hard work is paying off.  I knew I would not see results right away so I took it in stride.  The new year, 2010 gives me the opportunity to put the past behind me and move on with the correct foot forward and allow positive people to grow around me.  The last few months have been extremely difficult.  When you realize you are not as important to someone as you make them to you, it can hurt more than words can describe.  My goal was to better myself and continue to grow.  This is the beginning and I am looking forward to tomorrow and the year ahead.  23 Pounds lighter:

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Closing a chapter:

Sometimes we never get the opportunity to fully close a chapter in our lives and move on from the situation.  The past 4 years I have been in a situation that I never thought would end.  It did end and the pain and empty feelings that followed were probably the worst thing I have ever gone through.  For her, it was a simple question of just turning off the switch.  How you do this?, I am not sure.  I do not have that ability.  Sometimes you need to face up and look into there eyes and look for any incling of love left over.  I had to do it, I had to see her and my heart fell to the floor when I did.  When people show you physically that they don’t even want to be near you, can tear your heart into pieces.  After seeing I was already a forgotten past topic that only gets talked about when reminising about old loved ones, I learned that I must move on.  My heart falls with every step, and my breath gets weaker with every thought of her.   This is the hardest chapter to close, but you can’t hang onto someone who just doesn’t want you.

Love:

when you miss someone… it is amazing how it can consume your life. When a love for one person can put you in a state of confusion, a loss of words… and a loss of self being. It is amazing how the human heart can envelope you.   It is amazing that you want to be with someone so bad, you want to touch them… see them… it is amazing what love can do…. truly amazing.   You can’t breath, see, feel without them.  Being in love can hurt but it can also be the greatest gift you ever felt.   The choice you have is weather to watch it leave or fight to see it become what it truly is……… True Love.

EKG, Stress test:

I hate being in the doctors.  I appreciate what they do.  I work in the field so I have a great understanding of what they know and the things they have to tell someone.

I have had chest pains all my life.  I was told by one doctor I have a small but manageable heart murmur.  I also have ACID REFLUX disease.  Today was the day that was probably the scariest.

I was at work doing my usual thing when my chest.. the left side of my chest stabbed me with a pain I have not felt in a long time.  I let it go believing it was something to do with my acid reflux.  I took some meds and continued on.  A few hours later another sharp pain stabbed me again and this time my heart beat became erratic.  Was I nervous?? Fuck yeah.  I let it go still believing I knew the problem behind the pain.  It did not stop there.  Every 15 minutes after that I would get a sharp pain on my left side.  It really started to concern me so I went to the nurse and asked her to take some tests.  My blood pressure was extremely high again for my age.  She gave me some meds to thin my blood because she was concerned about my heart.  I made an appointment with my doctor and we met up at 3pm.  He was concerned because of my family history with my father.  We took an EKG and the first one came up with an abnormality on the left side of my heart.  The second one came up as normal.  He was concerned and wanted me to take a STRESS TEST.  Stress Test help to find the function of your heart.  It is a 30 minute tests where you run with all sorts of things attached to you.  Am I concerned???  fuck yeah.  He also gave me a different acid reflux medication to help relieve some of the sick stomach symptoms.  I am 30 years old and have so much I want to do.  I do not believe it is anything to majorly worry about but I am scared.  I will find out information that I might not want to hear and possibly find information to help solve the problem.

I am 30 and want to be healthy.  I have changed my eating habits and exercise.  I think the stress of personal issues has dominated my behavior. I just want to be healthy and happy.  I  hope this test will find a solution to the pain in my chest and heart.

Lyrics:

I have been writing music for a long time and it helps me deal with things and allows me to get it out.   If the thoughts in my head get bundled up I get anxiety attacks and I start to shut down.   My way of dealing with that is by writing and creating through my guitar and lyrics.  I wrote this about a week ago.   Some of the most difficult things in life are the ones we create.

The song:

1st verse

I got up this morning, just layed in my bed
Looked at the picture in the frame by my head
Got myself to get up and open up the blinds
Still everything I see, it only reminds… me…

That.

Chorus

I miss the way you laugh
I miss the way you smile
I miss the way you kiss me
I miss you all the time.

2nd verse

I walk down the streets
and see all the places
where we spent our time
just watching peoples faces

Breakdown:

though I know I made mistakes
we both made a few, but the one think I think about
is constantly you,  if I could take back
some of those days,  I would look in your eyes and tell…. you…

That.

Chorus

I’d miss the way you laugh
I’d miss the way you smile
I’d miss the way you kiss me
I’d miss you all the time.

Ohh.. baby..

Solo.

I miss the way you laugh
I miss the way you smile
I miss the way you kiss me
I miss you all the time…….

Music fades out.

Time:

I sometimes wish you could turn back time.  There are a lot of things I would of done differently but in the end it wound up working itself out.  I guess things do happen for a reason.

 

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The football:

It was an intense battle, a fight to the finish.  Seri almost lost the football but then got a good grip and shook it until it submitted!  lol.  My dog is so funny to watch.  She won this battle.. till the next time!

 

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OWL CITY:

I am addicted to OWL CITY.  I can’t stop listening to the album Oceans Eyes.  Two of the songs that are amazing are “Cave in” and “Fireflies”.  Check them out on zune or iTunes.

 

OWL CITY ocean eyes

 

 

Memories:

Memories.  I have so many but they always just become a “what used to be”  and the people with those memories just leave.  I love those memories but I would love to have memories that never stop.   I would like to have memories that continue with such drive that the person you share these memories with only knows about them with you.  Only us, just us know and continue to make memories that no one else will get or ever see unless told in a story.  I want the memories that when you stand in a crowd and laugh with each other,  everyone else in the room has no idea because it is just ours.. all ours.  Those are the kind of memories I want.

I would like to have the memories that continue everyday.   Our memories.

Back Seat Confidential 2:

The all girl AC/DC cover band Back Seat Confidential asked me recently to photograph another one of there shows.  Lucky me the show happened to be on FRIDAY THE 13th… woohahaha..ok, anyway.   They were happy with the results from the first show I photographed.  I learned a lot from the last show and decided I would only shoot in RAW format instead of JPG FINE.   I also had to adjust the ISO somewhat to compensate for the lighting and action.   The show was great.  There was a huge crowd to cheer on the band and they took full advantage of it.   They rocked the house and the crowd had a great time.  This is a Panoramic I took during the show.  The quality is not great do to me resizing the picture.   Picture below.

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I got some much-needed group shots of the band.  They just got a new guitarist on board and need new photographs so they can get rid of the old ones.   I had a great time and met some very interesting people.  I heard about bar fights from the bouncer, talked photography with a gentleman (I am pretty sure he was drunk) and got to see an old friend from college who happened to be there.   The band played great.   I hope to be taking many more photographs for the ladies of Back Seat Confidential.